The Clown Queen of Crime
by TigerKnightess
Summary: It's always been Harley Quinn's dream to be with The Joker forever. Her wish is finally coming true...but is it what she really wants?
1. Wedding Dresses

**Chapter One**

Have ya ever been sorta not sure of somethin'? Whether or not ya should really be doin' somethin'? Whether or not it's the best thing for ya? I've never really worried about that kinda stuff before. Not since I met Mister J. Ever since I laid eyes on him, I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to please him. All I wanted to do was be his puddin'. And who can blame me? Ain't he dreamy? That's why I helped him escape Arkham, ya know.

And that's why we're gettin' married!

At first, I was really super happy about it! Mister J. and me, gettin' married! And this weddin's gonna be a blast! Ya know why? We're plannin' to blow up half the city for the bachelor's party and the other half for the bachelorette party! For the honeymoon, we sit beneath the stars and watch Gotham go up in flames! Ain't it romantic?

But then somethin' weird started happenin'. I keep gettin' strange dreams. In the dreams, everyone calls me "Dr. Harleen Quinzel" and I work as some sorta doctor. I know that it all happened in real life, but it seems like a different life. Like it ain't my life anymore. I wake up and I feel so weird, and somewhat...what's the word? Nostalgic. It only lasts a couple of seconds, and then I snap back to being Harley Quinn. That's who I am...right? It feels like I can't be sure of anything anymore.

So that's why I need help. Because I can't be sure of anything anymore. What if marryin' Mister J. _isn't_ what I'm supposed to do? I'm torn. My heart belongs to him. It's my _head_ that's spurtin' out all these doubts. I hear people say, "Listen to your heart" all the time, so I tell my head to shut up. Isn't that what everyone says? To listen to your heart?

So the question is, do I listen to my head? Or do I trust in a feeling and give in to my heart? The thing is, my head is where all that nasty logic comes from. (That's what Mister J. says, anyway...) But then Mister J. also says that my head can be a place to make up great jokes! (For example, blowin' up Commissioner Gordon's house. That _was_ pretty funny. Especially when I saw the look on the Commissioner's face!). Just thinkin' about it is hard, so I guess for now, I'm gonna listen to my heart.

Poison Ivy, despite not really bein' in favor of the wedding, is my maid of honor and agreed to plan the bachelorette party. So I get the feelin' there's gonna be a lot of greenery at my bachelorette party. Mister J. said he'd get me some captive party guests for my party as well as his own! It'll be so fun! I also invited a bunch of villainesses from all over! Catwoman, Talia, Cheetah, Star Sapphire, and a bunch of others. Most of them said they were comin', but some of them agreed only because they apparently had nothing better to do. And you won't _believe_ how many guys are comin' to the bachelor party! Okay, okay, well, Lex Luthor ain't comin', (Mister J. didn't really want Luthor there anyway because he's not wild enough) but tons of others are!  
"But, Puddin'," I'd said to Mister J. "what about Batman? He'll probably find out about the wedding and crash it!"

"Bats?" Mister J. laughed-that wonderful laugh he's got-and smiled even wider than he usually does. "I'd be disappointed if he _didn't_ come; I've got a special surprise planned just for him!"

So there ya have it. Seems like everything's planned out, right? Not quite! I asked Ivy if she would help me pick my wedding gown and the bridesmaid dresses. She agreed, although she seemed a little reluctant. Anyway, back to the dresses...it's gotta be somethin' that'll _wow_ everyone...somethin' that'll knock even Mister J. right outta his socks!

"Somethin'..._explosive_!" I made a wide gesture with my arms to indicate a gigantic explosion. "BOOM!" I fell out of my chair, laughing until my stomach hurt.

Ivy replied with uncertainty, "An exploding wedding gown? Won't that kind of... kill you?"

"That's neva' stopped Mister J. before!"

But Ivy looked serious, "Look, Harley, I really think you should call off the wedding."

My eyes widened, "What?! But it's my dream come true! I thought Mister J. would never love me, but it turns out he does!"

Ivy's eyes flashed with concern, "I don't think you realize how dangerous he is, Harley."

"Ivy, I'm in love! Are you gonna stand in the way of true love?"

"Harley, it's called infatuation. This isn't love, it's madness."

"Well, Ivy, what did you expect from a homicidal clown-themed couple? _Sanity?_" I got up, putting my hands on my hips incredulously, "You came here to help me design dresses. Are you gonna help me or not?"

Ivy hesitated, stroking a Venus flytrap as a thin green vine wrapped itself around her arm. She sighed, "So...explosives?"

Immediately, my smile returned, "Pyrotechnics! _Lots_ of 'em! Ivy, I want fireworks!" I gasped, inspiration hitting me like one of Mister J.'s bombs in Batman's face. "Ivy! What if we had fireworks shooting out of flowers on my wedding gown! It's so..._us_!"

Ivy gasped, "You wouldn't hurt a poor innocent flower like that!"

I giggled, "Oh Ivy, the flower won't get hurt. It won't be real. You ever heard of a _real_ exploding flower? I wish!"

"Are you sure?"

"Ivy," I took my best friend's hands in my own and looked her in the eyes. "I promise, not a single plant will be harmed in the making of this film."

Ivy cracked a smile, "Alright, alright. What color should we make the bridesmaid dresses?"

"Red!" I cried. "Oh, Ivy, they gotta be red! Red and black! Maybe a splash of white. The gowns should resemble my costume somewhat."

"Alright," Ivy grabbed a sketchpad. "So we know the dress's primary color will be red. How about three black diamonds right around the thigh, right here, see? Like your costume. We could have a white sash with black diamonds...black gloves with red diamonds on them...and...hmm...I know! A black choker with a playing card charm attached to it!"

"Yes, yes, yes! And Ivy, Ivy, Ivy, diamond earrings! Earrings that would match the playing card choker!"

Ivy started scribbling furiously in the sketchbook. After a few minutes of scribbling, discontent looks, erasing, and re-scribbling, Ivy handed me the sketchbook.

I gaped.

I stared.

I gasped, "Oh, Ivy...It's PERFECT!"


	2. Girls' Night Out

**Chapter Two**

I looked in the mirror, not believing what I was seeing. The wedding gown was perfect. Absolutely perfect! It sparkled and shimmered in the light. It reminded me of Mister J.'s explosive personality. Beautiful (even if they _are_ fake) white flowers adorned my dress, filled with gunpowder and set to send brilliant showers of red and white fireworks into the night sky on my wedding day. Ivy and I called them fire-flowers.

"Ain't it gorgeous, Ivy?" I said, twirling around in my new attire.

"You look beautiful," Ivy admitted. "But I still don't think the fire-flowers are safe."

I crossed my arms and pouted, "You don't think _anything_ about this wedding is safe. Besides, where's the fun in being _safe_? I'm constantly in danger, Ivy! All the time! I've gone up against Batman! So will ya please lighten up?"

"Okay, well I'm sorry for being concerned for my best friend's life," Ivy retorted, then sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm just...not having the best week of my life. I'll try to have fun for your sake."

Just like a trusty boomerang, my smile returned once again, "So what've we got for food? The bachelorette party is in a week, I hope ya have something planned!"

"Forgive me if there aren't really any fruits or vegetables. I just can't stand to see anyone eating my babies," Ivy apologized.

"It's fine. Fruits and vegetables are boring anyway. I want somethin'-"

"Let me guess: explosive?"

"Somethin' like that..." I smirked and leaned in to whisper in Ivy's ear. As I told her what I wanted, she started to grin.

"Oh, Harley, that is _bad._"

The following night, I was sittin' in my little room in the abandoned amusement park we'd been living in while planning the wedding. In fact, the wedding was gonna be right here, _in_ the amusement park. It was a rickety, dusty old place, but it worked. And once we decorated it with a little color and some lights, it would be as cheery and bright as it once was!

I heard a knock at the door, and sashayed across the creaking wooden floorboards to answer it.

"Is the soon-to-be-bride ready for a girls' night out?" came the muffled voice of Poison Ivy.

"Ivy!" I swung open the door and gave her a squeeze. "What do ya mean by 'girls' night out'?!"

"I figured there wouldn't be any harm in causing a little trouble..." Ivy suggested with a mischievous smile. "And we've both been so busy planning for the wedding. I think it's time we went out and had a little fun."

"Fun! That's my favorite word!" I squealed.

"Well, what are you doing just standing there? Let's get out there and stir up some commotion!"

"Yeah! Hey, let's get something to eat, first. I'm starved!"

"I know just the place..." Ivy smirked.

Two words: fancy restaurants. They sure are fun to mess around with. There are a ton of people in there, wearing fancy suits and dresses and jewelry and whatnot. And when Ivy and I crashed through a window, you should've seen the look on their faces! It was priceless!

"Let's liven up this place, Ivy!" I laughed as I tossed several bombs into the air. Sparks went flying and one guy's suit caught on fire. I was laughin' for at least five minutes straight, watchin' everyone try to put the fire out. They don't know the first thing about extinguishin' a flame. Not that I know either, because I'm usually the one that's _makin'_ the fire!

Anyway, Ivy and I looted the restaurant, pigged out, and watched the place go up in flames. It was the best night I'd had in a long time! I don't think Ivy and I have had this much fun in forever!

And if I thought _that_ was fun, I can't even imagine how fun this wedding's gonna be!

Of course, that's when _Nightwing_ had to show up and crash the party. Ya know, that guy needs to learn how to have some fun.

"Nightwing," Ivy sighed and raised her arms as several thorny vines started to sprout from cracks in the sidewalk. They kept on growing, heading straight for Nightwing and threatening to catch him in their prickly grasp. "Well, since you're here anyway, why don't you come and give me a little kiss?"

"You two just can't stay out of trouble, can you?" Nightwing shook his head in disapproval.

"I've got a knack for causing trouble," Ivy replied as the hero nimbly dodge the vines.

I grinned. "Bashing some heads was all this night was missin'!"

"You aren't going to bash his lovely face until I get to kiss it, Harley," Ivy said. "After all...who knows what we could do with the famed Nightwing at our service?"

"Oooh, do you have some sort of new hypnotizing lipstick or somethin', Ivy? Whatcha got up your sleeve this time?" I asked eagerly.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Nightwing interjected, delivering a roundhouse kick to Ivy, causing her to stagger and fall. "Don't I get a say in this?"

"'Fraid not!" I shouted as I swung my hammer around to build up momentum, then flung it at Nightwing, disregarding Ivy's plan to seduce and hypnotize the hero. "Sorry, Ivy. I just gotta bash someone's face tonight or I'll explode!"

Nightwing leaped out of the way of my hammer, somersaulting through the air and landing behind me. By the time I turned around, Nightwing's fist was already in my face.

"Ow!" I rubbed my cheek and pouted. "Now that wasn't very nice."

He tried to deliver another blow, but I blocked it just in time, then performed several cartwheels to get to Ivy, "Um, Ivy? We're losin' this fight, and I prefer not to be in Arkham for my big day! Oops!" I covered my mouth, realizin' that I'd just given a big clue to Nightwing. "Sorry, Ivy. I guess now he's gonna go and report that to Bats..."

"Harley!" Ivy cried. "You're not helping!"

"Relax, Ivy," I whispered. "Mr. J. wants the B-man to show up, anyway."

"Let's just get out of this place..." Ivy sighed, and the vines enveloped us, taking us back to the abandoned amusement park.

"But what if Nightwing follows?" I asked.

"He would have a hard time doing that when there are poisonous spores threatening to contaminate the entire city," Poison Ivy smiled.

"Ha!" I laughed. "I wonder how _that'll_ work out for 'im!"

I peeked through the vines as we rose higher into the air and towards the amusement park. Poisonous green clouds were already starting to spread throughout the city.

"Gee, Ivy, I sure hope that some people are still _alive_ for my wedding!"


	3. Something Explosive

**Chapter Three**

"Ivy!" I whined, shiftin' into a more comfortable position in the old wooden chair for about the tenth time. Now I was upside-down in the seat, my feet danglin' in the air and the blood rushin' to my head. "I'm so bored!"

"Harley," Ivy sighed as she gently traced the petals of a red rose with her finger. "That's got to be the tenth time you've said that."

"And that's got to be the tenth time I haven't been satisfied!" I griped. "Best friends are supposed to show each other a good time, ya know!"

"Didn't I do that for you last night, Harley?" Ivy countered. "We even ran into Nightwing! Wasn't that excitement enough for you?"

"Red, that was yesterday. Now it's today. And today, I'm bored!"

"Alright," Ivy agreed. "Let's go-"

She didn't get to finish her sentence before a burst of sunset colors ignited the room with flames and rocked the room like thunder.

I shook the stars out of my eyes and sat up, scannin' the room for Ivy. I found her lyin' by the wooden chair. She was a little burned, but alive. I offered her my hand. She moaned and took it, staggerin' to her feet with some difficulty.

"What..." she gasped. "What was that?"

"An explosion," I answered casually.

"I know that, Harley," Ivy retorted. "But who caused it? Maybe one of the fire flowers accidentally went off?"

"Not accidentally," I remarked, runnin' my finger across the ash-dusted frame of the chair absent-mindedly.

"How do you know that?" Ivy inquired. "Do you know for sure who did it?"

"Simple!" I grinned, throwin' my arms in the air as if I'd just finished a magic trick. "_I _did it!"

Ivy's eyes widened, "Harley! Was that really necessary?! Look at what you've done to my rose!"

"What?" I examined the wilting rose. "Nah, Red, all you need to do is water it and break out your nature-know-how."

"You could've killed it, though! Look at my poor baby!" Ivy cradled her rose and cast a bitter glance my way. "Were you really _so desperately bored_ that you had to risk our lives?!"

"B-B-But, we made it, Ivy!" I stammered. "Even yer pretty rose! I wouldn't have done it if I didn't know we'd all make it through!"

"No," Ivy quipped. "You _thought _we'd all make it through, but you didn't _know_. And you took the risk anyway."

"What's happened to you?!" I cried. "Ya used to be fun!"

"I don't like fun when it endangers my babies!"

"_My babies, my babies, my babies!_" I mocked. "That's all ya ever think about, that's all ya ever talk about, that's all ya ever care about!"

"That's not why you're upset!" Ivy snapped venomously. "You're upset because you know I never liked the Joker, and that I _still_ don't like him!"

I felt as though my heart had cracked. As if a piece of this vital organ had just snapped off and shattered.

"For the last stinkin' time, Ivy! Why can't ya just be happy for Mr. J and me?"

"Because that monster strapped you to a rocket!"

"Come on, one time he did that..." I argued. "Besides, it was _kinda_ fun..."

"He abuses you!" Ivy shouted. "Even a psychotic clown girl should be sane enough to see that much!"

"Well, if ya hate it so much, then you can just go!" I spat. "I don't want a skeptical, grumpy maid of honor, anyway!"

Ivy crossed her arms, "So be it." Vines rocketed out of the ground and shoved through the creaky floorboards of the room, liftin' my best friend up and outta the room.

"Goodbye," I muttered as I ripped our sketchbook in half. I threw the torn sketchpad to the ground, and our design for the bridesmaid dress peeked through the messy heap of papers. I kicked the papers in frustration and they flew everywhere. Burying my face in my hands, I slumped against a wall. What was wrong with Ivy? She wasn't usually this skeptical. _I mean, she's never liked Mista J, but I don't think she was ever this upset over him._

"Trouble with your BFF?" came a voice from a dark corner of the room.

I whirled around, scannin' the room for the source of the voice. I caught a flash of crimson as the person threaded their way through the shadows.

"Uh...that ain't Nightwing, is it? Listen, if yer upset about the poisonous spores, let me just say-"

"That it was Ivy's fault?" the Red Robin said as he stepped out of the darkness. "Alright, let's have a chat about her. Does she happen to be responsible for the giant flytraps and poisonous spores hidden all over the amusement park?"


	4. Have Fun

**Chapter Four**

**Note: If you read Chapter 3 before tonight (10-7-2013; 6:40 in California) you may want to go back and reread it, at the part where Harley stammers, "B-B-But we made it, Ivy!" because I changed something that's sort of important :D**

I took a step back, "What? I didn't see any spores or flytraps or whatever!"

"See for yourself," Red Robin answered, and without waitin' for my consent, he jumped out the window. I hesitated for a minute, wonderin' if this was some sorta trap. But I decided to follow him anyway. I walked up to the window, climbed onto the sill, and pushed off. Somersaultin' gracefully through the air, I alighted near a dusty white Ferris wheel. Red Robin was a few feet away, and he beckoned me over. I cartwheeled over to where he was and crossed my arms.

"So? I don't see no stupid plants anywhere."

"Are you so sure?" Red Robin asked as he pointed out several deadly poison plants, camouflaged against the green of a carnival booth.

Unbelievin', I ran to where the plants were to make sure they weren't fake, "Yer playin' some sorta prank. Why would Ivy do this? She neva liked Mr. J, but I neva would'a thought she'd pull somethin' like sabotagin' our weddin'!"

Red Robin didn't look surprised to hear the news about the weddin'. Of course he wasn't. He was trained by Bats, plus Nightwing knew already and would'a told Red Robin by now, "There are hundreds more just like those."

We hopped over rickety roller coasters and old carousels, the colors long since faded from the desolate carnival. As we were passin' a forsaken cotton candy cart, I snatched a bag of stale candy and ripped it open. Hey, I wasn't gonna follow a Robin on this wild goose chase on an empty stomach! I popped a tuft of the fluffy pink ball into my mouth and let it melt on my tongue.

"Hey, Robbie, ya want some?" I offered.

"I'll pass," he called back as we traversed the park and he showed me more and more deadly plants.

"This is a trick!" I cried. "Ivy was pretty ticked, but she would neva do this!"

"Believe it, because she's the only one who could've done this."

"It could'a been Floronic Man or somethin'!" I persisted. "But not her! Not Ivy!"

Red Robin only shook his head.

"Why do you care? Why are ya tellin' me this?!" I threw my cotton candy at him. "You're tryin' to mess with my head! You're tryin' to ruin my big day!"

"I wanted you to see how even those closest to you can betray you."

I screamed, "You're talkin' about Mista J, aren't ya?! You're no different from her! And you're tryin' to turn me against him! I'm not callin' off the weddin', and I'm _not _gonna fall for your little tricks!"

"Harley," Red Robin said, movin' in closer. "you already have."

I heard the sickenin' metal _click_ of handcuffs, and the color drained from my face. I had just fallen for one of the oldest tricks in the Bat Family book!

"Puddin' will break me out!" I quipped. "He loves me!" I slipped my fingers into my back pocket.

"Your 'puddin' is going to be too busy trying to break _himself_ out. As we speak, he's being apprehended by Batman."

"Ha!" I smirked. "The B-man doesn't stand a chance." I wrapped my fingers around the cold metal stick in the depths of my pocket.

"Have fun spending your honeymoon in Arkham," he said, and flashed me a grin.

"Have fun burning in Hell," I rejoined as my thumb pushed down on the trigger of the metal detonator in my pocket.

I think the best thing that happened to me all day was seein' the look on his face.


End file.
